But this time I'm not eligible for unemployment benefits. This search for a job part of my life is sort of like a game--and the level of difficulty has just gone up. Now I have time limit. I have to find a job before my money runs out or I'm screwed.
Fun. I'm already scoping out garbage cans with the best grub and the least bugs.
So how did I end up unemployed again? Well, my new job just didn't work out. I'm not sure if I made the right decision leaving it, but I do feel better about not having to go there anymore. The past two weeks were hell for me. I couldn't sleep, I had panic attacks, I cried. It was pretty pathetic. Last night was the worst. I laid in bed for three hours, just thinking horrible things. Eventually it began to feel like someone was stepping on my head. I actually got the shakes. Hello anxiety attack.
I went to work after a restless night and much convincing myself that if I didn't go I would surely die a rotting corpse in a dumpster somewhere. Today was the first day out on the floor, dealing with real customers. Once we moved from the training room to our small herd of cubes in the corner, I started to feel sick. I stared at the computer for awhile and felt dread creep up on me. For a moment, I wondered what the hell I was doing there. I felt the first pin pricks of tears. I don't know why I've become such a cry baby, but I think I need to see a shrink.
Anyway, I tackled my first e-mail from a customer and abruptly forgot everything we were taught in class. I realized there were so many avenues to fail at this job, the stress was just killing me. I didn't have a good grasp of my tools. I felt like I was floating in a cyber-netherworld. Thank god for J, because I probably would've bolted from my seat at that very moment. I realized during that first e-mail that there was no way I'd be able to take phone calls from customers--especially that afternoon.
I don't know what came next. I think I just gave up. Utterly defeated. Ka-Pow! I managed to get through another e-mail. It was a little easier than the first, but I still struggled with it. By that time I wasn't even interested in fighting to keep myself engaged. The thought of answering phones was nipping at my heels, a reminder that I was totally going to fuck something up because I had no clue what I was doing and feeling pretty stupid to boot.
As we left for lunch, I sort of walked down the hall in a daze. I really didn't know what to do. I sat in my car, thinking about the six more hours I had left in the day and how it would all start all over again tomorrow. The thought made my head feel like it was stuffed with cotton. I felt a little sick too.
I got out my cellphone to call my mom. I was going to listen to her tell me to solve my own problems again, then go skulking back in there and sack it up. I noticed I had a phone call, but no message. I hate it when people do that. I called the number back and got a woman on the phone. She had received my resume and called me, despite thinking I was over qualified for the positions they had open. After talking with her some more, I learned that the job is actually close to my home (I live in the sticks), Monday-Friday with some overtime, pays more than the job I was sitting there loathing, was a growing business that ships produce via railways, has about 70 people who are very close and have BBQs three times a week at work. Sign me up! These people speak my language--BBQ, produce, and dispatching.
I was so excited! We chatted some more. I told her about my current situation and that I didn't mind taking a position I was over qualified for. I was very interested in the job and excited to meet her. We set up an interview for Thursday.
I checked out of my current job completely right then. I might not get the job I interview for on Thursday, but I realized that there are better things out there. If I'm so unhappy I can barely function, I need to make some changes--even if it includes leaving my job. I'm just disappointed I didn't have the hindsight to see this sort of situation coming. It never occurred to me I might actually hate this job as much as I did--I was so blinded by my luck at having a new job so fast after being dumped on my ass my old job, I never really gave it much thought. I figured I could do any job thrown at me.
I learned my lesson.
I called the unemployment people and they told me I wasn't eligible for benefits because I left a good job voluntarily with no reason (other than it was making me insane). I knew that was coming, so I wasn't surprised. I even hit the unemployment guy up on tips on how to get a job with the unemployment agency. I mean hell, I could do that, especially since it means I wouldn't have to be nice to people. Government social workers have it good. >:(
So my tale ends here. I'm hoping I get a level up in the near future, because this game of life owes me one, I think. It's been a crappy couple of years, I'm due for a break or something! >:( As for the job I just left, I have no doubt that it is a great place to work. I could see good things in it, but it wasn't a good fit for me. I was the square peg trying to fit into the round hole.
Now I'm off to buy a couple lottery tickets. Wish me luck.
Posted by Zoso at July 2, 2007 03:41 PM