Ramblings of a Crowe

Satire........................?

“Rape Only Hurts If You Fight It” by John Petroski

Most people today would claim that rape is a terrible crime almost akin to murder, but I strongly disagree. Far from a vile act, rape is a magical experience that benifits society as a whole. I realize many of you will disagree with this thesis, but lend me your ears and I’m sure I’ll sway you towards a darkened alley.

If it weren’t for rape, Western Civilization might not exist as we know it today. When the Romans were faced with a disproportionate ratio of women to men in the early kingdom, they had to do something, lest their flidgling society die for lack of sons. To solve their little dilemma, they did what any reasonable man would do: they threw a festival for their Sabine neighbors, and then stole and raped their women. It’s quite logical; in fact I don’t understand why the settlers at Plymoth didn’t do the same to the local Indians–it certainly would have saved on shipping costs.

Obviously, in the case of the Rape of the Sabines, rape was a tremendous help to society. The Sabine women, for their part, didn’t seem to mind so much, as they threw themselves between their brutish old Sabine husbands and their charming new Roman ones to prevent bloodshed when the Sabine men came to reclaim their wives. Yet even when society was totally against a rape, the raunchy act has benifited society too. Where would the Romans be, after all, if it weren’t for the Rape of the Lucretia infuriating the people to the point of overthrowing their last king, Lucius Tarpuinius Superbus? If it weren’t for that event, the world might have never had the Roman Republic for a pristine example of a flawless government.

Rapes glorious advantages are not, however, exclusively found from 2,000 year old examples. In actuality rape advantages can very much be seen today. Take ugly women for example. If it weren’t for rape, how would they ever know the joys of intercourse with a man who isn’t drunk? In a society as plastic-conscious as our own, are we really to believe that some man would ever sleep with a girl resembling a wildebeest if he didn’t have a few schnapps in him? Of course he wouldn’t–at least no self-respecting man would–but there in lies the beauty of rape. No self respecting man would rape in the first place, so ugly women are guaranteed a romp with not only a sober man, but a bad boy too; and we all know how much ladies like the bad boy.

Ugly women are not, however, the only people who benefit from rape–prisoners enjoy as many perks too. What, after all, could be possibly be more boring than spending years of your life confined to some tiny cell 23 hours a day? The answer, of course, is spending years of your life confined to some tiny cell 23 hours a day and never getting some hot action. With rape, prisoners never have to worry about that. Instead, they merely need worry about treating their rapist with enough love and respect to earn a quick reach-around.

But if there is one bread and butter reason for why rape should not only be accepted, but even endorsed, it is because our news editors are in dire need of interesting stories for our front page. Bookstore stories? Fossils? One dollar coins? Please. Now, some saucy circle-jerk rape action? Yeah, that’s the ticket.

I suppose this piece is, if you go back to the roots of what we call 'satire'. It's quite obvious Mr. Petroski's target are ugly girls and sexual assult victims, both of which he flogs mercilessly in this Op/Ed submitted to the Central Connecticut State University school paper. It's pretty obvious he's a woman hater, which might explain his advocacy of rape. Maybe he's one of those 'ugly guys' who couldn't get any unless his partner was unconscious and tied up with twine? *shrug* Who knows.

I suppose a school paper is the appropriate place for tripe like this, but it is sickening to be reminded that we have to breath the same air as morons like the author and those who thought publishing his work was a 'good' idea. And they're surprised by the outrage it's caused?

Of course, they fall back on the "It's to prove a point! It's a social experiment!"

Rowan said Thursday that Petroski and other editors felt the article was a humorous condemnation of media sensationalism. Rowan said the controversy over the article has proved the point it was trying to make.

"The front page of the paper had a very important story about students losing their Social Security numbers, an issue that affects the entire campus," Rowan said. "But nobody is talking about that. They're only talking about the rape article."

Stupid people losing their SS numbers is far more important than an article that belittles a serious violent crime against another human being, as well as the victims of such crimes. One has to ask, how much weed must be smoked to come to this conclusion?

The world will never know...

EDIT:

And here's the author's apology. Should we call him John Kerry Jr from now on?

“Listen, I wrote the article. I (messed) up. It was a stupid thing to do and a stupid topic to even tread on, and I apologize to everyone I’ve hurt. I wasn’t writing this to try and hurt people though. I was trying to point out that people don’t give a damn about anything in a paper besides something they can rally around. It looks like I succeeded, especially with our front page. That doesn’t excuse what I did. I should have used a much less touchy pseudo-subject to do this with. Like animal rights** or something like that …”

A pseudo-subject? *headdesk*

EDIT 2: Someone got fired

LOL Serves the psuedo human right.

Posted by Zoso at February 12, 2007 05:33 PM