Ramblings of a Crowe

Zoso Goes To A Party

(as requested by my sister)

disclaimer: not for the squeamish (now you just have to read it, don't you?)

So, the other day I'm at the gas station, getting my usual 7am chocolate milk and croissant before work. Yum, gas station food! A great way to start the day. Anyway, as I'm getting out of my car, I hear someone shout my name. Instantly paranoid, I turn and look over my shoulder, only to see one of my best friends from high school (and beyond) yelling at me from the pumps.

My friend, who I will refer to as Turkey Creek (short for Turkey Creek Jack Johnson) runs over to me and gives me a big hug. We haven't seen each other in a year (thanks to my anti-social behavior), and immediately begin chatting about this and that. Out of the blue, Turkey Creek pipes up with, "Hey, I'm having a dildo party Saturday night! You want to come?" (ha ha, no pun intended you sickos) I sort of laugh, then give her a quizzical look, and reply, "No shit? Sure!"

I'm not one to buck tradition. You see, as long as Turkey Creek and I have been friends (since the second grade), neither of us have ever been able to tell each other 'no'. Of course I knew riding bikes while drinking beer and whiskey was a bad idea, but who am I to hold anyone back? And of course we could go to jail for stripping and running naked through a wheat field on the side of the road, but only if we got caught, right? And when Turkey Creek wanted to get down and groovy at the club with the 'little person' (midget), I egged her on--because it was what she wanted! I'm all about my friend's happiness!

So when she asked me to come to her party, I couldn't say no, see? And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious. Passion party? What the hell is that? Not to mention, in my sheltered life, I've never actually seen a dildo up close and personal. I chalked it up to a learning experience.

And that is was!

I arrived a bit before 7pm, just to sit down and shoot the shit with Turkey Creek and another good friend (the one who had to put up with our early year antics *sorry Donnie about the garbage can--we didn't think the fire would spread that fast*). Already, Turkey Creek and Donnie had a counter full of various liquors and food set on the table. Well, one table for food and another for liquor. Around 7, the rest of the party goers arrived: Turkey Creek's mother in law, sister in law, her mother (yup, you read that right), a neighbor, her sister in law's sisters, some people from Donnie's work, etc. There were about 12 of us total, including the lady giving the party.

By the time the lady (I forgot her name...or rather never asked) got finished setting up, Turkey Creek's mother in law was well on her way to tying on a good one. A bottle of whiskey, a couple bottles of wine later, and the show was on the road. (NOTE: Zoso doesn't drink, due to kidney failure possibilities these days--a sad and true fact)

Okay, I'm ignorant when it comes to sex toys, but not sex. Hell, I've got a kid. I know how it works. I'm not a prude either. Not much squicks me in the sex department--but whoever thought up the idea to put faces on the 'heads' of dildos was a freak of the most freakish nature! The party lady told us it was so certain laws wouldn't consider the 'toys' obscene. WTF? There's a face on that plastic penis! That's not natural! Doesn't that make it more obscene? I shit you not, almost all those faces looked like Buddha. I don't know about you, but I don't want Buddha having any business 'down there'. One of the distributors was clever enough to make their 'faces' into that of a beaver. Hardy har har...

Even more disturbing, a lot of these dildo's looked like penises straight from the planet Spiketron WTF3132. Knobs, spikes, probing pieces. If a man ever dropped his pants and had one of these, I'd friggen run like hell. Or shoot him. Which ever was more convenient at the time. The nice party lady explained what each thorny doo-dad did, and all I could think was, "That's suppose to go where?" Oh, and let me tell you, dolphins are popular accessories on dildos. I'll never look at Flipper the same again...I'll probably never look at him again...

Oh, and I mustn't forget the novel device called the 'Gigi'. Now the Gigi looks like a beer can holder, except made of this stuff that I can only explain as flubber. Basically, it's a male masturbation helper thing...though according to party lady, it can be used for other things too, as she so politely explained. If you turn it one way, it simulates a vagina, but if you turn it the other way, it's--TA-DAH--an anus! She brought the thing around and instructed us to 'feel' it. People, she wanted me to stick my fingers in that thing. I--don't--think--so.

The best part of the party was when she handed out these little popsicle sticks with goo on them and instructed everyone to go into the bathroom and put the stuff 'down there'. I waved mine off and she cheerfully told me she wouldn't continue the party until everyone had tried it. Raising a brow at her, I told her then she might as well pack her bags, 'cause the party was over then. She wandered off, goo stick in hand, saying something about how she 'couldn't force me to try it'. No shit.

Not wanting to be a total party pooper, I did try this stuff that was supposed to taste like cherries (you put it on your body--not there!). She handed out these other popsicle stick things and told us to put it on our lips. Okay, I'm cool with that. Until my lips, gums, and tongue went numb. The shit was like Novocain! What-the-hell? I guess if you're a fridged person and don't want to feel a damn thing during sex, this stuff's for you, because I couldn't feel my mouth for about an hour.

They did have some cool bath stuff. There was this really yummy brown sugar bath salt stuff I almost got. It smelled like the real thing! TC actually tasted it--dumbass.

Overall, despite the WTFness of it all, I had a blast. I laughed until I cried. I only knew a handful of the other women there, but everyone was generally yucking it up, and as the night wore on and the liquor disappeared, things got even funnier. TC's mother in law, bless her heart, is a hysterical drunk. TC's mom is friggen cool, and I had a few good laughs at the fact she was a bit weirded out being at her daughter's dildo party. I nearly had an aneurism when she told TC to buy a Gigi for her dad.

Alas, I had to go home around 9:30pm, so my night ended early. I went home, still giggling, glad I went. And no, I didn't buy anything.

Posted by Zoso at October 16, 2005 09:28 PM