Today is Columbus Day. I wasn't aware of this fact until my boss mentioned that all the banks were closed today, and I had to ask 'why'. When he enlightened me that it was a 'holiday', I replied, "Oh, you mean that fake holiday."
Of course, he tells me, "Well, that's not true. Columbus found 'something'."
Whatever. He didn't find jack shit. He was a lost SOB on a boat and got lucky he found land before everyone starved or died of scurvy. So I responded with, "Yeah, well, I found a boogie in my nose, but nobody celebrates THAT."
Hmph...Columbus Day indeed. Holidays should be meaningful. Like "Talk Like a Pirate Day". Now there is something to commemorate.
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On another note, I solved a mystery the other day. Back in January, I had this scary experience.
Until now, I was never certain exactly what it was that lurked outside my bedroom window. All I knew was it sounded like someone running a cat through a radiator (or something to that effect) and that it scared the hell out of me.
The mystery monster? Not owls. Not bats. Not evil clowns. No--it was a squirrel. Yes. A squirrel. Who would have guessed that those little rat bastards could make such horrible noises? Squirrels are suppose to be cute and cuddly! Not sound like the devil rising from the depths of hell!
I know it was a squirrel because I witnessed first hand one of them making this screeching noise in broad daylight. You see, we have this family of squirrels that live in our trees. One of them is a behemoth. He's huge. Like a Godzilla Squirrel. I think it's all those nuts from the store we feed him. Has to have something to do with the pesticides they use these days. That's the only explanation I can think of. He's like the size of a small cat and has the temper of a badger--a rabid badger.
Anyway, Godzilla was having a bad day. The neighbor's cat was prowling around under the trees and Godzilla was chittering up in the branches. Most of the cats around here know not to mess with him, but the neighbors have two 'new' cats fresh out of kitten hood. They have yet to learn the wrath of Godzilla and his clan of ninja elite mercenary squirrels.
Normally, a prowling cat would only incense Godzilla into a flurry of chitters, tossing of pine cones, or in a worse case scenario, the rush down the tree into what I can only explain as Squirrel WWF. That is usually enough to send any cat hightailing it out of our yard and into the freeway. Problem solved.
However, on this particular day, Godzilla's arch rivals decided to show up. Enter the crows and magpies. For those of you who don't have any experience with these birds, count yourself lucky. They are EVIL. Not only are they smart, they harbor a cruel streak that makes Stalin look nice. I've watched them corner cats in the trees, pecking at them from behind while the kitties try to get away, their little paws attached firmly to the trunk and unable to defend themselves. My mom watched a small group of magpies attack a bunny in the yard, pecking it to pieces and leaving the corpse to rot.
Not. Nice. Birds. At. All.
They usually avoid the area around the house (we have a lot of property) because in the closet, there's a gun conveniently loaded with a bullet for each one of them. But we've been slacking as of late, so they're getting brave again (that'll have to be remedied ASAP).
Anyway, the birds see that Godzilla is in the tree, without his helpers anywhere in sight. They also see the cat. So, like the opportunistic vultures they are, the descend into the tree, getting as close to Godzilla as they could, cawing and shrieking, pecking at him when his back was turned. By this time, there's such a ruckus being made, I leave my spot from the window and go outside, hoping to get them all to STFU. It's like Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds" outside or something. I get to the front door and open it just in time to hear what I've come to call, "The War Cry".
Godzilla stands up on his hind legs and starts screaming like he's being ground up in a combine. Everything gets real quiet for a minute. Even the stupid birds shut up. After a pause, I can hear angry jabbering from the other trees in our yard (we have a lot of them). The Calvary is coming. I go inside, not wanting any part of the battle that is about to begin in my front yard.
You learn something new everyday. Squirrels can scream. Amazing. I guess it's like rabbits. Rabbits make horrible noises when they get killed (seen them eaten by big snakes).
Posted by Zoso at October 10, 2005 07:44 PM
When I was a kid, I never thought that frogs could squeak like they do. I always thought they went, 'ribbit ribbit' like every other kid. Then my cat started attacking them. O__o
Posted by: DR at October 11, 2005 01:59 AMLMAO
Posted by: sarah at October 11, 2005 08:00 AMFrogs make messed up noises too. We live close to a pond, so at night you can hear them. When we were small, we would go 'hunt toads'. We just caught them then let them go, but it was fun. Toads apparently taste bad. Once a cat or dog bites the ones that live here, they never do it again...
Posted by: Zoso at October 11, 2005 05:46 PMCuck Folumbus. I didn't get school of anyhow, so he's useless as far as I'm concerned. :p By the way, ever seen My Cousin Vinny? Reference: the owl scene. Guy gets up like "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!" and unloads half a clip into the forest.
Posted by: J00kst3r at October 11, 2005 06:42 PMGod, that movie is friggen funny! Damn, now I'm gonna have to watch it!
Posted by: Zoso at October 11, 2005 06:49 PMI would also like to submit president's day as a false holiday. It is designed to coincide with the birthday of two specific presidents and falls on the birthday of neither, and is the first holiday I'm aware of that was created by compiling two holidays into one. In fact, if it made any sense at all, it would be on innauguration day.
Posted by: J at October 12, 2005 12:47 AMActually, no, keep Columbus Day, then over here in England, we can have a day off for no reason. =3 Oooh, oooh, can we have President's Day off, too?
Posted by: DR at October 12, 2005 01:44 AMHa ha! Seriously, if we're going to have holidays like Presidents Day and Columbus Day, we should have holidays like "O.K. Corral Day" and "Boston Tea Party Day" too. And while we're at it, we should make holidays to remember important people in history who actually did things, such as "Wyatt Earp Day", "Geronimo Day" and "General Custar Day"...The wild west gets no love.
Posted by: Zoso at October 12, 2005 07:32 AMBTW--
Valentines Day is a stupid holiday. They should rename it to "Buy Bad Chocolate and Piss Off a Loved One Day".
Posted by: Zoso at October 12, 2005 07:34 AMWhat about Flag Day...how could you all forget flag day.
Posted by: sarah at October 12, 2005 09:38 AMYou're right Sarah! How could we forget that innane day such as "Flag Day". Lets pay homage to a piece of cloth! Yay! I declare we create "Pants Day". We must worship all pants. Except those made of polyester.
Posted by: Zoso at October 12, 2005 10:36 AMYou obviously don't read my blog...NO pants day is this spring. *shakes head*
Posted by: sarah at October 12, 2005 12:51 PMNo no! You misinterpeted mine. No Pants day is about "no pants". I said we should make a day for pants--meaning all pants (except polyester), regardless whether or not they're being worn!
Posted by: Zoso at October 12, 2005 01:05 PMI choose to commemorate Flag Day because it is actually a symbol of our Nation, not like Columbus day... Columbus who came on behalf of another country to conquer our land and it's native people, and send all of it's goods back to Spain. Yeah... there's a lot of American tradition in that. NOT! Although... this "Pants Day" sounds kind of appealing. Will it include Cargos, Capris, Khakis, and Kharpracis? If it doesn't include Kharpracis, I'm not celebrating it!
Posted by: J at October 12, 2005 03:56 PMAny kind of pants (no polyester though: see above post). Though I think 'pants' should include anything below the knee. None of this 'shorts shit' on Pants Day.
Posted by: Zoso at October 12, 2005 09:29 PMYou see, 'pants' to me means underwear, so I was sitting here smiling to myself until I realised what you were talking about.
There should be an Undies Day too, but I reckon they already have that somewhere.
Posted by: DR at October 13, 2005 02:13 AMMmmm... Khapracis...Don't see those much anymore...
Posted by: sarah at October 13, 2005 08:10 AMColumbus Day is bogous. He didn't even technically discover America, so what are we celebrating? No wait I rephrase that. Who actually celebrates Columbus Day and what do you do? Do you get a small boat and play with it in the bathtub, or all dress like he did, or what? Some people get the day off *shakes fist* lucky buggers. But most of us, don't get jack. Zoso, LMAO @ your wrath of Godzilla and his clan of ninja elite mercenary squirrels. I have never heard of anything like that. Instead of a guard dog, you have a guard squirrel!
Posted by: Mia Hoshifaia at October 13, 2005 09:09 AMYou dress in poofy knee high pants with puffy sleeved shirts and bad hats and rape and pillage some place you've never been before.
Incidently, Columbus discovered Cuba. I don't know that he ever got to the US.
Posted by: Sarah at October 13, 2005 10:10 AMYou dress in poofy knee high pants with puffy sleeved shirts and bad hats and rape and pillage some place you've never been before.
Are we still talking about No Pants Day?
Posted by: Zoso at October 13, 2005 10:17 PMYou see, 'pants' to me means underwear, so I was sitting here smiling to myself until I realised what you were talking about.
You have no idea how hard this made me laugh.
Instead of a guard dog, you have a guard squirrel!
A whole clan of them. They're quite the territorial little bastards too. I've had pinecones dropped on my head while getting out of my car.
Though they should count their lucky stars my old cat is dead. She killed friggen rabbits in her spare time (I had to clean up the mess she made).
Posted by: Zoso at October 13, 2005 10:22 PMZoso is a little like a Disney princess. Whenever she is in trouble her troup of woodland creatures comes to her aid. There is the guard squirrel and the friendly rabit that keeps watch over her car... oh and the mice that sew her gowns and drive her pumpkin chariot.
...WHY DON'T YOU EVER LET ME RIDE IN YOUR PUMPKIN!
Posted by: J at October 14, 2005 12:07 AMBecause you never take your shoes off!
Posted by: Zoso at October 15, 2005 08:25 AM