Here I am at work, with nothing to do for the next few hours, and I thought I might sit down and do some writing. "Thought" being the important word here.
I've tried before, but the minute I sit in front of the PC here, nothing wants to come out of my brain and onto the word processor. It's like a valve has been shut off. "Click"-- access denied. However, once I'm home, tucked away in my safe little corner of the world, I can write for hours-- though I ususally write with pencil and eraser instead using my computer. Still, I don't think the computer has much to do with it either though. I've tried bringing my notebook with me and writing in it too, but with the same results.
I can't write outside of my comfort zone. I need quiet, solitude, little interruptions from outside disturbances. Even at home, I don't listen to music or watch television when I write. It's too distracting. Having a son who is full of questions and wants to play during the evening makes picking up a pencil difficult too, so my writing times have become late night activities that last well into the early morning.
Maybe that's why I'm so grumbly in the morning. 4 or 5 hours worth of sleep is bound to wear on a person, though my body has become accustomed to it. If I fall asleep before 12am, I'm awake at 3 or 4 in the morning. One fateful day last week, I was extreamly tired and went to bed at 8, thinking I'd take a nap and then get up for a few hours, but instead, I found myself wide awake at 1:30 in the morning, ready to start my day...and what a long day it was...
I think I'm nocturnal by nature. I like being up at night, when all is quiet. I can work on my projects with no interruptions, my thoughts all my own. I enjoy that silence and it's one of the few parts of my day where I'm not obligated to anyone else. A selfish notion, but all people are selfish in some aspect.
****
On another note, and I've said things about this before, if one more person makes a comment about the way I run my life, the gloves will come off and they'll see what a bitch I can be. I'm to the point that I don't really give a shit hurt anyone's feelings. I can burn bridges with the best of them--keep it up, and we'll see how hot the flames get. I don't care if they are family or friends anymore. These people need to STFU. Now.
First--I'd like to point out that people passing judgement on me and my lifestyle (or lack there of, I suppose), have not once...ONCE...sat down and asked me about my future plans. No one has ever asked me how things were going (in a serious manner). No one has ever bothered to ask me if I'm happy with myself and my life. They just assume I'm not--
NEWS FLASH PEOPLE! I AM HAPPY! SERIOUSLY! I'M CONTENT! I'M NOT DEPRESSED! So I don't care for large groups of people. I don't need a massive social circle to sooth my ego or make me feel loved. So I don't like going out to loud places or dropping 20 bucks for a movie I can see at home in six months for less than 5. Here's the honest to god truth in a nutshell-- I prefer my own company to anyone elses. That's right. I like my solitude 100 times more than I prefer said persons/peoples company. It's important to ME. Very important. If these people can't deal with that, not my problem. I've spent a large portion of my life trying to make other people happy by being someone I'm not and doing things I hate. Guess what? That's over. There are two people in this world I worry about making happy--my son and myself. If I happen to make a few other people feel special along the way, great.
Of course, that doesn't mean I like being alone all the time. There are a handful of people in my life that I don't mind being around. They know who they are (or at least I hope so). I will go and do things with them, spend time with them, talk with them, but this doesn't mean I share everything with them either. These people tend to understand me and my need for privacy. Nor do they question me. I appriciate them all the more for it, which is probably why I enjoy their company above all others.
Secondly-- I seem to be surrounded by psychics. I should be amazed, but I'm actually pretty pissed off about the whole deal. I mean, how dare they read my mind and see my private plans for the future. Perhaps I wanted to keep those ideas to myself, considering I've never spoke to anyone about them. {end sarcasm} Once again, the assuming without even asking...Do people think I don't ponder my future and the things I "could" be doing? And those things I "could be doing", why should I be doing them "right now"? Is there a memo I missed? How about this, why don't we let ME worry about what I could/should be doing from this time forward. Why? Two reasons:
1.) It's my life. I know what I want to do with it--other people don't. I suggest the people living in glass houses stop throwing stones--mind your own business.
2.) There is a reason I don't bother to tell people my thoughts on my future and it has nothing to do with having no plan. My reasoning is simple. I DON'T WANT THEM TO KNOW! There's no rule that I have to share my dreams with eveyone who loves and cares about me. Besides, if anyone paid attention to the things I said and talked about, it wouldn't be that hard to figure out, but alas, they're too busy assuming shit to actually hear what I'm saying.
I know this sounds harsh, but I'm really fed up with it all. I've dealt with scrutiny for a long time...I'm used to it, but everyone has limits. It annoys me that people who are suppose to KNOW me, really don't...nor do they make the effort to. I'm sick of talking AT people and having them dismiss my words as some sort of denial...what irritates me even more are these are people who are suppose to be close to me, even care about me, but they're too busy listening to their own wagging tongues to hear the one person that matters. ME.
So, to all those annoying people I love (and I do love them)--shut the hell up. I'm through being nice. If someone wants to talk to me about my life, then TALK to me...not AT me...and for the love of God...listen to me. I know myself far better than anyone else...trust me on this one.
Posted by Zoso at May 17, 2005 10:40 AMI want to say "Word" on that, but I have a feeling that will make me sound kinda American. =]
I've kinda given up on the whole laying-out-future business. I figure I'm young and can try things. You're still young, so there's no reason why you should have a PLAN as such. Especially since you've got a ten-year-old kid to raise (and there's a lifelong plan all on its own). And you do sound pretty happy with your job, hobbies and stuff. If someone asks you about plans, ask them what plans they have in mind for themselves and either laugh at their blank expressions or at their methodically arranged plan for life. =]
Well, that's what I do anyway and it's usually laughing at the blank expression.
Hmm. I haven't actually bothered trying to write anywhere other than at my computer. If I ever end up with a laptop, then I shall see where I can write best!
Oh, and that entry about the new chair thing? We got a new chair about two/three weeks back! Comfy leather goodness = snap!
Posted by: DR at May 18, 2005 07:46 AMSorry if I pissed you off! Hopefully this blog is not about me (sad puppy dog face). Personally I get pretty pissy with my family when they give me a hard time lately too... luckily my sister just got pregnant at 17 and that deters some of the "you are wasting your life" speeches from me.
As far as writing elsewhere.... would you believe that I actually chose a laptop because I wanted to... GO TO THE PARK... to write? I've been kind of an amature author since I was in high school. I totally suck, as you know from the infamously sucky "A December Story" series hehehe.
Forget what they say, do what you do, as long as you are taking care of your son and not hurting anybody it doesn't really matter if you live your life in their opinion of correct... whomever they are... even if they are me.
>>If someone asks you about plans, ask them what plans they have in mind for themselves and either laugh at their blank expressions or at their methodically arranged plan for life. =]
Ha ha! That's pretty funny. Unfortunatly, none of the people I'm addressing here even bother to ask me anything. They just assume stuff and ignorant comments. It's so irritating. Even more ironic, I probably wouldn't tell these people anything anyway, since they have that mentality of "My opinion is always right and yours is always wrong"...Ugh...stuff like that makes me want to beat them with a 2X4...
>>I want to say "Word" on that, but I have a feeling that will make me sound kinda American. =]
Ha ha! Silly hip-hop colloquialisms! You know, I don't think I've ever used "Word" while I was talking--I think "No shit" has a lot more zing. *laughs* Perhaps it's my age...back in my day, American slang was much more simple...I fear for our culture and the influence wicky-wicky (
I love my new chair! Its so nice! That wooden, unfriendly piece of junk I had before was...painful to sit on for long durations! I just hope I tightened all the bolts hard enough with this new chair...I put it together in our garage--which is kinda scary since I have a tendancy to "not read directions". *bad me*
Posted by: Zoso at May 19, 2005 08:56 AM****J****
>>>Sorry if I pissed you off!
You only piss me off when you make fun of my FFCC character and his dress. Don't you realize how sensitive he is about his sense of style?! ;P (kidding, I think it's hysterical...especially since Piggy is such a sawed-off little runt and has no room to talk)
No, this has NOTHING to do with you, so no worries. I'd just like to say "Thanks" though, for being such a good friend to me. I'm glad you're home.
Posted by: Zoso at May 19, 2005 09:03 AMHahaha, I fear for the English slang over here. For some reason, I find Cockney endearing (but not how Dick van Dyke did it, dear god no) but if I hear "yeh wot bruv", "innit bredder" or anything like that one more time.......... I'll start talking like an Aussie. ^___^ (I already say "Fair dinkum" but I've heard that originated in either England or Wales, so maybe not so other-side-of-the-world). But, then I watch Shaun of the Dead and fall in love with the Englishness of it all.
Despite my, uh, rather patriotic nature, I think I probably use a lot of American colloquialisms in my speech. O_O I guess they're more interchangeable over here then over there... Like the fact that we call cigarettes "fags" over here... some of my American friends didn't get that and were rather bemused. XD
Yeah, man, where's the fun in following directions? I thought you were gonna say that you put it together in your garage and it was scary because it was dark in there or something. I obviously have issues with dark garages... But mmm... comfy chairs.
Yeaah, I might stop abusing my keyboard now. Dude, how's that chapter coming along? I forgot to say one thing in my e-mail (hope you got it!) and that's about the whole: "not noticing how the taller man flinched at his touch" thing. Repetition! Very Homeric! The Classical Studies geek within me loves it!
Right, I am actually going now.
Posted by: DR at May 19, 2005 12:40 PMSo you can say... I burnt another fag today. I quit with fags... I've got a fag in my pocket..
LOL I get to claim applicable immunity to the word anyway, but that's freakin awesome!
You could just speak a whole different language really if you wanted too... you could say like "I like to have a fag after after a brilliant basket of chips... then I ride the lift to my office by the lou." At that point we of the American (dark side) of the english language would be utterly lost.
... Does anybody else hate me yet? LOL It's bad when even I'm aware that I'm not funny anymore.
Posted by: J at May 19, 2005 09:35 PMLOL@J Who could hate someone with a sense of humor like yours? I personally like the phrase, "I gayly smoked a fag."
Slang is so funny! I mean, just look at some of the stuff we say here..."Bad" means "good"..."cool" means "good" while "hot" means good too. Isn't that an oxymoron? "Fine" means "hot". "Sweet" means "good". We have way to many ways to say "good". If something "sucks", it's bad...but exactly why is sucking bad? (okay, don't answer that...)
Then we have the nonsensical words like "hip" and "bling". I suppose "hip" comes from "hip-hop" (because hip-hop is cool???) and "hip" means "cool" which means "good"...but isn't that a matter of opinion? And "bling"...where the hell did that come from? Bling mean somethings like super shiny and special, but super-special shiny things don't actually make the sound "bling"...
I do like some of our imported words. "Wanker" happens to be a favorite of mine. "Git" is another. However, stuff like "shit-head" and "dumbass" (which has such a great ring to it) will never get old. And of course, there's always the beauty of making up your own stuff. I heard the best word today, "Ambercromic"; used a derogatory reference to frat boys and the like. It made me giggle...I think I'll use it frequently.
Posted by: Zoso at May 19, 2005 11:26 PM>>>I guess they're more interchangeable over here then over there... Like the fact that we call cigarettes "fags" over here... some of my American friends didn't get that and were rather bemused. XD
Yeah, you say the word "fag" or "gay" over here and people immediatly think of a homosexual. (hence my joke to J in the above post) *laughs* Honestly, a lot of English slang is lost on us Americans. Despite our 'claim' to being the "land of the free", we are in truth incredibly xenophobic (and ignorant). My country is full of hypocrits. *sigh* But despite her faults, I can't help but love her anyway. *laughs*
My sister spent a summer in Australia. She had difficulties with the language barrier, so to speak. Certain terms used over there meant VERY different things over here. It got confusing. *laughs*
>>>I thought you were gonna say that you put it together in your garage and it was scary because it was dark in there or something. I obviously have issues with dark garages...
*laughs* My garage is scary, but I put that fear aside because my need for a chair that didn't kill my butt was desperate. Our garage is almost the same size as our house (a bit smaller) and there's all sorts of crap in there. I hate having to go out there at night when it's all dark and creepy. I fear the bats in the summer time too...you never know when they'll show up...and I loathe bats.
Posted by: Zoso at May 19, 2005 11:45 PMHahaha at J! Yeah, or you can say: "I want a fag!" or "'Ere, give us a fag, love!" Unfortunately, I think you meant "loo" rather than "lou"! XD We also use the word 'bog' for a toilet... you've gotta love that! Hmm... chips... we still have fries over here, but that would be fast food chips. And we call your 'potato chips' crisps instead (whaat, so much easier!) I wasn't quite sure by the use of 'basket'... what do you guys say instead of basket? Ahehe, and the whole lift/elevator thing makes me laugh. Mind you, we say "get the lift" rather than "ride" it. O__o Not that we're bizarre or anything.
Yeah, see, most of the slang you mentioned (cool/hot/sucks) is normal over here. OMG BLING. I thought 'bling' started over here... god, it irritates me so, especially since magazines use it all the time now. And 'fag' over here does mean 'gay', but we tend to use 'faggot' more just to differentiate.
Heehee, isn't slang fun? Cuppa tea, anyone?
Hahaha at the garage thing. I love bats! Though, I suppose being bombarded with a bunch of them isn't the greatest thing ever. =/ And Zooosooo, didst thou receivest my e-mail? I'm paranoid it ate itself.
Posted by: DR at May 20, 2005 12:10 AM>>"'Ere, give us a fag, love!"
OMG How could I have overlooked such a glorious phrase! I'm prepping the T-shirt right now!
I use basket to emphasize the, now irrelevant fries vs chips issue.
I forgot about crisps though. Somebody I know here actually used that phrase to descripe chips the other day and I was a bit confused at first. I was thinking in terms of snack crackers.
Sadly American terms for toilets are not as elegant as bog or (SP Corrected) Loo. Aside from the elequent "bathroom" we decend from there into phrases general reiterating fecal matter ewwwwww.
Any place that produces Daniel Johns/Silverchair and Savage Garden is all right by me. Australians are hot! Except for this old counselor we had at my high school. He looked rather hybrid of human and koala bear.
Posted by: J at May 20, 2005 07:56 AMXD! Koala bear! Spending too much time in Australia, me thinks. They have the coolest animals.
Ohh... I think I get the basket thing now.
Petrol - Gas.
Motorway - Freeway/highway (never worked out the difference between those two)
Umm... what else... so many little things... and don't get me started on pronunciations (tomayto/tomarto?)
I've heard 'can' for toilet, I think. I don't really know any Americans IRL. I have a load of Canadian half-relatives who confused me with gas/petrol as a three-year-old and also called me a rascal. Whilst I've heard the term lots of times... I'm thinking it's rather American or at least Canadian.
Y'see, wearing such a t-shirt over here would probably not garner much of a response... especially as no one likes to share their cigs anyway (ahh, generous English citizens). But man, I'd love to wear it in America!
Posted by: DR at May 20, 2005 11:31 AMROTF!!! You two are killing me here! *wipes tears from eyes* Kryssie, you get J started and he's going to have an entire line of t-shirts and buttons designed by the end of the weekend. *laughs*
Interesting about the petrol/gas thing. I tend to say gas or fuel. Now that I think about it, "I need to get gas" sounds kinda funny...like I want to eat a lot of beans or something.
Annnnyywaay....
A three year old called you a rascal? *laughs* You could have called him a "twerp" or "rat" in return. Ha ha! I call my son a "rugrat" all the time, though that's usually used for babies who are still crawling. *laughs*
"Bog" for the toilet, eh? Usually it's just "the bathroom", though us women might say "the potty". Occasionally it's the pisser, but that depends on who your talking to. ha ha!
Ah, yes, I did get your e-mail! I'll send you another tonight! ;) Time to go back to work!
Nooo, I was three WHEN I was called a rascal. My cousin was about 30 or so when he said it.
Ooh, make the t-shirts, J, make the t-shirts! DO IT.
Posted by: DR at May 21, 2005 01:55 AMAh, that reminds me. I found an old newspaper article on British Airways' campaign to broaden American tourists' knowledge of English slang (or technically South-Eastern English slang, since other parts talk quite differently). I'm tempted to test you and J on them, and see if J can come up with any new t-shirt designs too! Wanna do that? XD Let's put your hardcore slang skillz to the test!
Posted by: DR at May 23, 2005 01:42 PMWe will fail miserably (well, maybe not J--he is all knowing), but it sounds like fun! Bring it on! :) Perhaps if you typed it up and e-mailed it to me, I would send the questions to J and then make a blog of the entire Test. That might be kinda fun too. You can laugh your head off at our answers! (I'm not in anyway, shape, or form responsible for the things that J will say: end disclaimer) If not, just post it here and we'll answer. Perhaps others will play too (the other four people who actually read AND post on this blog anyway--ha ha).
Posted by: Zoso at May 23, 2005 03:41 PM