That's what my son said today while talking with my mother about his "intervention" with his stepmother.
Last night, his dad finally called for the first time since July. If anyone remembers, Hunter decided to come home early from his month long stay at his dad's house. It was the first time in 9 years that he's ever made such a decision, and things since then have been tense. You see, every summer, Hunter spends about four or five weeks at his dad's house. It's normal for us and he usually looks forward to it, but now, he's starting to dread these visits. He's not being abused, he would tell me if something like that was going on. My son is very honest with me about that sort of stuff. Instead, I think he's just growing up and beginning to understand what myself and the rest of the adults in my family have known for a long time. His dad is irresponsible.
He loves his dad very, very much. However, during these summer visits, he's thrown into an entirely different family environment. His dad has to work, and his hours are not normal, 8-5 hours. Hunter doesn't see much of him on the weekends, and is left with his "step-grandma" while his dad and step mom are away at work. When his dad is home, they do chores and take care of things around the house. When they have time, they plan small family outings, like camping or trips to Silverwood. That's fun and all, but what his dad doesn't understand is Hunter doesn't want to go up there and visit his step-grandma or his step-brother and sister. He wants to see his dad. What's the point of being there when the one person you want to see isn't around...and when they are around, they are doing chores or sleeping? Not only that, Hunter has to compete with the two other kids and his step mom for his dad's attention....
My son is spoiled, but he's not a brat. He's spoiled in the fact that there is always someone at my house to play with him, take him to the classes and activities (tennis lessons and tae kwon do) he wants to do, spend money on him with toys and movies, etc. He's never bored here. The neighborhood we have is teeming with kids, many of who are his friends and share the same interests as him. His a good boy. He doesn't throw fits when he doesn't get his way (oh, he pouts, but that doesn't consititute a fit, contrary to those "non-parents" out there...you haven't lived until you've been with a kid who throws honest tantrums *cringe*), and he's usually content when you tell him "No" about something. But at his dad's house, things are very different. Both of them work (we all work here too, but our hours allow for someone to always be availible), there's the two other kids (one is ADHD times 10), and very little time...
I understand that...but I don't think it's an excuse for his father to not make time for his only blood related son. What Hunter's dad doesn't seem to get is that Hunter is a selfish 9 year old little boy. When I say selfish, he's just like anyother kid who wants their parents all to themselves. This is normal. It's to be expected. He doesn't want to ALWAYS share his dad with his step brother and sister. He wants his dad to pay attention to him and just him sometimes. He wants to bond with him like sons and dads do...but that's not happening....
Most of it is his dad's fault, but his stepmom has started to drive a wedge between them now. I've always been of the mind, since Hunter's dad and I split up, that the father son relationship between them is personal. I intervene very little...however, his wife has forced me to step in. She doesn't seem to see things the way I do. She's a harpy, never shutting up for a moments peace...At first, I just laughed it off while she pretended to be friends with me. I know she's insecure about her relationship with Hunter's dad. That's her problem, not mine...but she's taken her insecurites a step to far by taking them out on my son.
You see, when Hunter decided to come home in July, she apparently decided it was her right to tell him he was a selfish brat and was hurting his dad's feelings by leaving. Well, as far as I'm concerened, that's none of her damn business and she has no right in the furthest reaches of hell to call my son names. If Hunter's dad has issues with this, then it was HIS responsibility to talk to Hunter about it. Apparently he did, and Hunter still chose to come home. Did she think berating him into guilt would make him WANT to stay there? What a dumb woman. Later, Hunter told me she'd also made comments to him about her kids not liking him and things like that. I can see where Hunter might take something like that a bit too personal, if it was said jokingly, he's very sensitive. But on the other hand, she's an adult, and should know better than to say things like that to a little boy.
When I found out about it, I was PISSED...I don't even think that describes it actually...but I chose to wait until Hunter's dad called US. I wanted to see how long it would take, and give me sometime to think on how to work through this problem. I have a nasty temper. I knew that screaming at them like I wanted to wouldn't fix anything. Last night, I confronted Hunter's dad and he tried to make excuses for her. At first he said what Hunter told me couldn't be true, and if there's one thing I'd stake my life on, it's the fact my son isn't a lair. He's too honest sometimes...the boy always tells the truth, even if it gets him grounded for weeks...This set me off so I pulled off the gloves and just let him have it. I brought up all sorts of things Hunter has told me about their little family, their personal relationship (how they fight with each other when they think the kids can't hear them), how his wife has lied to me and my mom about certain things and I could back it all up, etc...
I wasn't trying to be mean. I like Hunter's dad. He's a good person, but not to smart. What I did was illustrate how Hunter might feel in their house and how his stupid wife might be taking out their problems on his son. There's enough proof, only a blind man or total dumbass wouldn't notice it. I made it VERY clear that he needed to talk to Hunter about things. He needed to hear how Hunter really felt, but that Hunter isn't comfortable talking with him at all. He wants to make his dad happy with him, and he'll say anything to do that, even if it means he has to suffer. It took a lot of guts for him to speak his mind to come home...I don't know if he'll ever feel comfortable talking with his dad again.
I don't think Hunter's dad believed me about how upset Hunter was at his wife...until he tried to get Hunter to talk to his her and Hunter burst into tears, throwing the phone at me and running to the bathroom...I had no clue what had happened...and boy was I friggin pissed when he told me he tried to get his wife and Hunter to talk things over. What kind of moron is he? *shakes head* He seemed to catch a clue when I told him Hunter had locked himself in the bathroom after sobbing on my mom's shoulder. He finally came out and talked to his dad, though he hasn't told me all of what he said. I explained again that this was between him and Hunter. It was HIS job to set his wife straight, not Hunter's.
Hunter's dad said he would talk with his wife...I bet that'll be fun...She's the kind of woman who stands behind him on the phone while we talk about plans that have been made regarding our son. It wouldn't be so bad, but she tries to talk OVER our conversation and on more than one occasion I've told him to tell her to shut up (or he's done it on his own). She's a harpy...that's all I can say. Sneaky, mean, and makes a lot of noise. She's also a liar. I really could care less who he's married to, but now that she's set her eyes on Hunter, I'm forced to be a bitch.
So of course, I get to be the bad guy...though Hunter doesn't think so, so that's all that matters. I'm not sure how to work this whole mess out totally. Hunter doesn't want to visit if his dad isn't going to be there. Who can blame him now? But Hunter needs to understand that his dad's life and ours is very different and he'll have to be tolerant. Hunter's dad needs to learn that as a parent, he has to give up some of his schedule to spend time with is son. If that means dragging his butt out of bed at 9am after working a late night to go play tennis for an hour, so be it. His wife needs to learn how to act like and adult and not but into things that aren't her business. She may have married him, but that doesn't mean she has the right to dictate his relationship with Hunter or I. It's none of her business. I've learned that standing by and just watching (minding my own business) isn't always the correct action in cases like these. I've always believed that kids figure stuff out on their own when it comes to "iffy" parents. I still believe that, but now I know I need to explain things to Hunter so he'll be better prepared for the disappointments his dad and stepmom have lined up for him....
What's sad is Hunter is the one to pay for us stupid adults in the end. I feel guilty, very guilty. Yet, there's nothing I can do about the way things worked out. Kids don't ask to be born and they're at our mercy until they are well over 18. I think we tend to forget that as adults...
Posted by Zoso at October 4, 2004 05:30 PM