Ramblings of a Crowe

Making Changes...

There comes a time in life when you have to step back and seriously evaluate yourself. If you don't do that, I think it's far to easy to stray off the beaten path and become a habitual sheep. It's take me three years, but I finally sat back and took a good, long look at myself.

I'm such a slob.

Seriously. I'm messy and I don't do a damn thing but go to work and come home. When did I become like that? I use to never be idle. I HATED sitting around doing nothing...but now, that's all I do. Oh, I have my hobbies I certainly enjoy, but I miss playing sports, going to areobics, being 20 pounds lighter (heh), meeting new people....When did I become such a recluse? When did I stop caring about my health? When did I start disliking people so much?

And why?

I guess none of that really matters much. It won't change things, but I decided mid last week to move ahead and put some certain aspects of myself into perspective. Things need to change...NOW....no more of this "Oh well" attitude. That's so not me...Once, I was outgoing, fun, and lively...I miss that part of myself...Once I was in super good shape (areobics three times a week, gym everyday, bicycling on the weekends...seriously...I was obsessed)...I worry about my health, especially since I had the surgry to remove that cancerous lesion several years ago, not to meniton I see my mother and her health and I don't want to be like that. I see my son, playing tennis twice a week and Tae Kwon Do three times a week, with the occasional baseball clinic or wrestling clinic in between...I was like that when he was young...I was like that through highschool and into college...

What happened doesn't matter...I can't begin to guess...all I know is that I've started moving forward and setting goals for myself. I have things I want to do, places I want to see...and with a bit of effort, I can do anything...Somewhere a long the line, I've forgotten that...

So, I went back to the gym on Monday...I've been three days out of this week, with plans to go tomorrow on lunch break and Saturday after work. At home I lift weights (not heavy ones, since I tend to pack on muscle easily and I don't want to be one of those buff chicks you see on the fitness channel). I want to join Karate Lessons in a few months, when I'm more comfortable being around large groups of people again. When I joined the gym, I was scared to death of going by myself, so when my friend quit, I stopped going too...I don't know why I'm so nervous around people now, I never was like that before. Talking to strangers was so easy for me, but now I'm learning those skills all over again...Thankfully, my good friend Mikey (and personal trainer) has been nothing but supportive and encouraging...I really appriciate his help and concern (despite the fact I pick on him relentlessly at work...ha ha).

Maybe it's some sort of strange regression...When I was a kid, everything terrified me...but as I got older, I lost a lot of fear...To tell the truth, I'm was pretty fearless for awhile...Nothing scared me and I welcomed challenges. Now I hide from them, tucked away in my house or at work...

I'm more competant than that. I'm more alive than that...

I'm so pissed at myself for becoming the way I am now...It ticks me off...but instead of sitting on my ass moping about it, I decided I'm going to do something about it. Turning that angry energy into something useful has certainly helped me so far...In the past week and a half, I've been more awake, full of energy, raring to go every day...I'm not tired...I'm not grumpy...I'm less nervous....

I expect lots of people are expecting me to fail in my new found endevour.

Well...Screw you...

My other friend Mike ( I distinguish my "Mike friends" by using Mike and Mikey to address them) made a comment to me the other day when I told him about what I was planning. We were out at the mall, searching for tennis stuff for Hunter and he asked if I'd like to go out to eat. I said sure and suggested Sheri's (not for it's great food obviously, but it is cheap). He was surprised and expected me to say something like Taco Bell or Burger King...I told him I had given up on fast food, junk food, crap food, all of it, and had no plans to touch it again. He laughed and said "We'll see how long that lasts." I was startled at first, but then not surprised. As much as I adore Mike, he's never very supportive, though he honestly doesn't mean any harm. He just says what's on his mind without thinking first. Still, I did get pissed at him and as we got in the car I told him "Nevermind, I should just go home, since I'm not very hungry anyway." And I went home...end of story.

Stuff like that pisses me off. I don't expect anyone to be rooting for me or encouraging me (though it's nice once in a while), but if you can't say something nice, keep your yap shut.

It's not like I'm 400 pounds...no where near it...but I miss being in shape. Getting back to the 160 pounds I use to be won't be easy, but it's do-able. (Note: I'm 5'8" and built like an ox anyway, so 145-160 is my target weight...I'll shoot for the upper end of the scale so I don't look like a skeleton). I like this challenge...it's given me something positive to shoot for and opened a lot of doors for me as well...

My main goal...I want to take martial arts classes like my son. *laughs* I don't know why, but I think it would be good for me. I am an aggressive person by nature, and I think learning some patience, control, and confidence would do me a world of good. Not to mention it sounds like a great way to expend excess fusteration and energy, as well as stay in shape. Even more so, it sounds like a lot of fun. For the longest time I thought I was too old to do those sorts of things, but my cousin and his wife (who are only a couple years younger than me) have been doing Tae Kwon Do (right Jeff???) for awhile now. They sound like they have a lot of fun doing it, especially Glenna! I admire that...but that's a step I'll have to take later...though my mom is all for it! *laughs* And Hunter things it would be cool!

Anyway, all these prospects excite me, and for the first time in several years, I'm actually excited to get up in the morning. My days are no longer dull and monotonous. Perhaps I finally got to bored with my life. It was bound to catch up with me, I'm not an idle person...I wasn't meant to be. I'm glad I realize that now...

However, I won't be giving up my enthusiasim for anime, manga, Japanese, or drawing anytime soon. If anything, I have more energy to spend on them now, and they are things I'll do when I'm at home with time on my hands. I recently ordered Bleach 2 and Naruto 4...which should be here next week! Yeah, everyone should read Bleach!

Well, time for bed, got to be up early tomorrow!

(Ugh, it's nearly 9pm and still 100 degrees outside)

Posted by Zoso at July 29, 2004 08:36 PM